There's No Place Like Home

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All you ever need to do to seek out something you feel you have lost is GO HOME. Before that can be done, you must 1st discover what that word means. Sure, there is the physical home; the four walls that hold the most significance to you; then there's your spiritual home...This is MORE than a place; its people with whom she resonates...It's a smell that excites you, and has the power to transport you to a feeling of COMPLETE security. This is the home I went in search of...
When I started to feel totally disconnected from myself, I began thinking back to where/when I felt I last was whole. Each individual will differ in how they arrive at the conclusion, and precisely what that means, but I found my mind settling on a particular memory...
It was just two months after Edyn was born, and I was leaving her with my mother overnight for the very first time since her birth. Other than returning to work, she had not left my side. Besides the typical feelings of anxiety felt by most parents at the initial separation, my empathic nature was working overtime. Regardless, I had resolved myself to go, because I knew i was NECESSARY. So I put on my big girl boots and made the roadtrip with my friend to join the others for a weekend of strictly adult interaction and catching up. As soon as we arrived, and I saw my friend's face, those initial feelings of anxiety melted away; and its funny, she wasn't even in the best of moods...As a matter of fact, she was very disgruntled. So much so, that she had resolved herself to drinking for the rest of the day. I myself, at the time, was not much of a drinker, but was still happy to keep her company while she indulged. Later on that evening, we all ventured out to a huge block party. At this point, my friend had become increasingly agitated with her significant other, and I felt SOMETHING quickly bubbling to the surface in her demeanor. A moment later, she spotted a then enemy, and lost whatever composure remained. The whole world became a target. One by one she started rattling off all the things that she disliked at the moment and made her angry. ME, having little experience with intoxication, was entertaining the conversation, because I didn't know what else to do. I asked, "Well what about me?!" I can now look back on tha moment and see how incredibly selfish the question was in that moment,but at the time it was most sincere. See, I have always been told the drunk mind speaks the sober truth; in that moment, for some reason, I desperately needed to know my name wasn't on that list. She stopped, and momentarily turned from the crowd she was ranting into to face me and said with a perfectly lucid mind, "Not you Khira, I Love You!" She then immediately resumed shouting. I cheerfully allowed her to commence.
At first it seemed strange to me that this would have been the moment in time I chose as the point of most "me", the last time I truly felt connected to my own ESSENCE. Since my mind can't lie to me, I knew it must be factual, so I sought out trying to decipher why. The more I thought about it, I began to realize why my psyche chose that particular memory. When it comes to my relationship with that particular friend, it is truly UNIQUE. I have never had a friend that I did not have some sort of disagreement with till her, and never since. Don't misunderstand, we have had times when we did not agree, but it just didn't MATTER. Our friendship has remained unscathed and unwavering. My soul would seek her out in ANY lifetime. It was also the only time since I started my own family, that I was JUST ME; Not a mother, or a wife; just KHIRA. In those crazy moments spent during that weekend, I really LET GO, and concerned myself with only me. My mind had done just what I had asked, returned me to my SOURCE. After this process, I feel much more in touch with myself than I have in years.
There are mountains to traverse daily; we just simply need to know how to climb. My life is like this constant game of chess that I am learning to play as I watch. I have arrived at the point where I no longer view issues as trouble. Changing how I see the problem turns it into a mo hill that I just step over. In any endeavor, if we make the active choice to understand, we are better able to maintain a voyeuristic perspective, making virtually any obstacle much easier to overcome...even loss of self. If there is something that you are searching for, even if don't know what it is; GO HOME. It will most certainly be waiting for you.~ The Queen
Image Courtesy of: Nichollekobi.com
https://queenkhira.com/

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