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The Quiet Storm: A Retrospect

 


"Have you ever stopped to listen, when there's silence ALL around,
Empty rooms with nothing to fill them, accept that quiet sound."

I first became aware of the concept of duality through the writing of the poem "Quiet Storm" when I was 14 years old. I can remember how disturbed I was when I finished it; I couldn't believe something so dark had come from ME. Where did it come from-more importantly, WTF did it mean?! Up until then, I had only written poetry that gave people HOPE; and were filled with unconditional love. Who WAS I?! Was I going crazy?!
"In ancient Chinese philosophy, Yin and Yang is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly contrary forces may actually be, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another"(Wikipedia). It wasn't Yin and Yang that I realized I wasn't a teenage psycho. It was REAL; completely possible for and individual to be both; in fact, it was actually a NECESSARY part of the human condition. The poem was irrefutable proof that I had a "darklighter", if you will, inside of me that had been suppressed and denied long enough; she would no longer exist in the shadows, leaving me blissfully unaware. She needed to be acknowledged; she wanted to LIVE...
I spent the next several years of my life trying to suppress and smother those feelings, and wipe her existence from my memory. I was terrified that this meant I was inherently bad. I must say though, I did a superior job in doing so; so well in fact, I had forgotten all about her till I experienced my 1st real trauma; the death of my mother in 2009 shortly after I turned 25. Speaking from a perspective of an individual who has ALWAYS known herself, to be suddenly thrust into an identity crisis due to the extreme pain of her loss-it was a vital turning point in my personal growth. It was lonely and horrible. I felt like NO ONE understood my pain; in my mind, there had never been a person who had experienced this depth of hurt. Of course, that's ridiculous, but it's what I FELT; so it was all that was real to me. To feel that, knowing it wasn't true, was a contradiction of character I could NOT deal with; so I rushed myself through the grieving process; just ready to feel like ME again...
Soooo, I flipped the switch; once again; not allowing the "darkness" in. I threw myself back into my life; full throttle; too eager to move on to assess and address the damage. I would later come to realize the damage was a result of the denial; not the actual pain. I denied her access. After that, the Universe had an absolute field day with me and the people I love; relentlessly attacking from EVERY turn; one loss after another. I felt like was drowning. Then, I turned 33, and it was as of the clouds parted, and the first glimpses of light began to shine through. My subconscious would not allow me to waste another minute; I KNEW what was missing; and just where to find it. It was time to finally embrace, and understand who I really was; the ENTIRE person.
My mind suddenly flooded with the words I had written almost 20 years prior; it was my poem, "The Quiet Storm". When I wrote it, I was too young to understand. I couldn't rationalize the fact that it had come from me, because those thoughts and feelings were apart of me as well. This is what actually allowed and GAVE WAY to the good. , then, I was too afraid of what it MEANT to even find out. In my 33rd year of life, I came face to face with my other half...there she was; all grown up; shining in full Noir; too powerful to hide in the shadows any longer. I NEEDED her; but most importantly, it was time to recognize her significance; acknowledging she was as much apart of me as anything else I had inside. At that moment, the miraculous happened...I was no longer afraid. I stopped resisting, and I let her IN. In an instant, my world began to make SENSE. To my surprise, it was no longer about the pain. See, I had spent so much time denying myself BECAUSE of the pain. I was too afraid that I would be thrust into a depth of depression and depravity that I could never find my way back from. I could NOT have been more WRONG...
Instead of despair, I found ANSWERS; to questions I had been asking myself for years, and peace that couldn't be explained. The phrase "Peace that Surpasseth ALL Understanding" from the Bible at long last made perfect sense. Today marks the 11th year of birthdays I have celebrated for my mother in her absence, and I know EXACTLY where the inspiration for this essay lies. I order to truly know yourself, you have to understand, embrace, and LOVE all that you ARE. Trust that your balance is perfectly divine, and go bravely into that good night; for there is NOTHING to fear. We were not intended to go through life incomplete....~The Queen
Photo Courtesy of: Nichollekobi.com
https://queenkhira.com/
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